I’ve realized that I’ve been sad lately.
Not super sad, just a small part of me that’s constantly trying to evaluate my life. When I look at the future I don’t have a plan, I don’t really have a dream, and I don’t even have a goal.
Looking to the past has me wrapped up in nostalgia. Lovingly reminiscing over times gone by but continually mourning the different stages of my life that have come and gone that I loved and didn’t want to let go of. I want to be able to grasp all those treasured moments and cup them in my hands and let the warmth of their memory just shine its light on my face and live in those moments forever. But I know that that’s not how I can live, and I have to find a way to make those moments have meaning for the life that I will choose to live.
I realize I can and I must create my own life. “You can do whatever you put your mind too!” rings in my ears and echoes around my body as if it were empty. I push away the thought that’s continually creeping closer and closer. It speaks the honest fear that I’ve carried around for a long time.
“What if I don’t have a goal? Am I wasting my life spinning my wheels here?”
I question those things while trying to make myself feel better by saying that God will use whatever I end up doing for His good which I know is the truth. But when does that turn from a truth into an excuse? How long can I keep telling myself those words before they’re empty with good intent but no longer have meaning to the life choices I’ve made.
Finding the difference between where God is pointing me to go and where my fear is holding me back can be hard.
Trust must be a constant factor in these decisions, but it doesn’t always make it easier to choose.
I’ve lost direction but I haven’t lost hope.
I have hope that something amazing and specific to my life is planned for my future, that God has every little path and breath and sentence under his control. Honestly, I probably haven’t even lost my direction because that would infer that I knew of one, to begin with.
I’ve spent my life going through all the stages that everyone else does: elementary school, middle school, get drivers permit, high school, drivers license, moving out, college, find a job, rent a house, and now I’m at the part where it’s no longer designated where I should go or what I should do. I’ve been flung out into the stars with the world in front of me not knowing where I should go first or what I should do.
It’s freeing and uncomfortable.
I worry that I’m wasting this precious gift of a life that God gave me, but in the end I just sit back and rest on the peace that he has a plan for what is to come, no matter what that may be, and that all I can do is keep moving forward with peace in my heart that He’s got this.
All those times that were so important to me in my past also stemmed out of times that I didn’t know what I was doing. I was on the same path then that I am now, and my past is a perfect track record of God providing and being my bumper rails along the way.
If He provided so well for me in the past when I wasn’t as seasoned as I am now, I can only imagine how He will provide for me in the future. God is good, and He’s got this.
Charlee Johnson has been an active member in the Restore community since January 2017, and has lived in Marshalltown her whole life. She can usually be found with a camera in hand documenting the growing community at Restore along with working in Marshalltown and running her own photography business. Charlee has been involved in a variety of ministries her entire life and currently holds 2 degrees at her alma mater, the University of Northern Iowa (2016).